Comedy · Love · Motherhood

Monday Tradition VERY Late… cause apparently I suck.

I’m gonna go ahead and copyright some of this stuff… some of it’s going in the book.
Yeah… Monday came and went with a spectacular whooshing sound, and no fun filled Sophie-isms were supplied.  I am a negligent and bad blogger.  Don’t pout.  There are worse things.  Like dried up dry-erase markers.  That is worse.  You ever try to write with a dried up dry-erase marker?  Oh the horror of the sounds it makes on the board.   Worse than being a few days late with this.  Soooo,  here it is.  The unbridled brilliance of my child from early 2013.  Cause I spawned this and you must all be subjected to her brilliance.  (More like cause I want to store this stuff in a place I can get to it easily for later blackmailing.) So here’s two months from early 2013 of Sophie-isms. (Archer was born in 2013, so we don’t have his little isms until after June.)  (Note:  I called Archer “Bocephus” until he was born, cause it was funny and he was ticking me off so much with all the major organ displacement and needing to pee all the time that I needed some form of revenge.  Any reference to Bocephus is me talking about Archer in utero.)

January 31, 2013:
So Dan and I tell Sophie to get ready for a bath, and we start talking about stuff in the house that needs to get done, then from somewhere in the back of the house we hear loud giggles and Sophie announces “I’M NEKKED!!! COME AND GET ME!!!”
~sigh~ She’d better out grow that phrase before teenage-hood. Cause I’m going to lock her in a closet until she’s 40 if she doesn’t.

February 1:
Me to Dan: “Where’s the remote?”
Dan: “The goat?”
Me: “No, the boat!”
Dan: “The float?”
Me: “The bloat!!”
Dan: ~handing me the remotes, both of them~ “Here, a pair of totes.”
Me: “Paramore?”
Dan: ~shaking head~

Dan went into the kitchen to get Sophie some milk. Sophie followed him. This is what I hear from the kitchen:
Dan: “What is your name?”
Sophie: “Sophie.”
Dan: “What is your quest?”
Sophie: “Milk!”
Dan: “What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?”
Sophie: “GAAAAH!!! Give me some MILK!!!”
Dan: “Close enough.”

Sophie serves coffee at her tea parties… not tea. She calls them tea parties, but sure as rain, it’s coffee she serves us. We are raising her right.

Bocephus has either smuggled a trampoline in with him or he’s bigger than he should be and is stretching…. a lot!!! Monkey flipping sucker punched my lung earlier today! I wasn’t amused until Dan felt him stretch tonight. Evil child, BUT at least Dan got to feel him/her (??).

February 2:
Dude, Sophie just asked Dan what his quest was. Parenting: when you’re doing it right!

February 6:

So this morning I woke Sophie up to tell her we were finding out if the baby is a boy or a girl… She said “it better not be a boy.”  Well the mini-me is about to be disappointed but Dan and I are thrilled to say, late June we will be welcoming Archer Brown-Blake into this world. It’s going to be a mini-Dan this time!!! Photos this evening.

On the way home from picking up Sophie, I told her the baby is a boy. She actually stomped her foot in the parking lot UNTIL I said, “Hey, you get to be the only princess, and so you don’t have to share your princess jewels with your brother! Boys don’t like princess jewels! This is AWESOME! Honey, being the only princess is literally like money in the bank! Take it and run with it and brag about it!”
Guess who is thrilled she’s have a little brother now and can’t stop talking about how we have a princess and a prince now?
Parenting (aka bribery): When you know you’re doing it right.

February 10
I’m going to make the following tee-shirts for me to wear the next 20 weeks:
“I am not Buddha. Rubbing my belly without prior permission will NOT bring you luck.”
“Place hand here (handprint) and risk being kicked by both mother and child.”
“I am pregnant. I have not turned into a glowstick. Please do not tell me I am glowing.”
“Yes, I swallowed a basketball.”

February 12:
Picking Sophie up from school yesterday, I learned exactly how awesome she is.
Sophie: “Justin Bieber is bad music.”
Me: ~smiling~ “Yes, baby, his music is bad.”
Sophie: “And it’s bad if you call someone a Bieber, you get put in the corner for calling someone a bieber cause it’s a bad word.”
Me: `pride growing~ “Yes, it’s a bad thing to call someone a Bieber.”
As an aside, my kid knows the words to “I miss the misery” by Halestorm. My kid is pure awesomeness.

February 13:
Sophie: “I fart on bad sharks.”
Dan: (not missing a beat) “Very good.. you fart on the sharks. Finish your homework.”
yup, Dan and I were destined to be married and raise a child like Sophie. Cause we both just feed her weird.

February 14:
Sophie: “The cat smells like prunes.” ~pinches nose and walks off.~
Me: ~sitting next to the cat, looks at the kitten, look at Sophie as she walks off, look back at kitten who at this point is looking at me all wounded.~ “Totally not defending your honor against her, cat. She scares me more than you do.”
Cat:~grumbled mew~

February 15:
Sophie: “Can I have a Valentines treat (meaning the candy from yesterday’s school V-day party) with breakfast?”
Me: “Not for breakfast.”
Sophie: “What if I eat all my oatmeal?”
Me: “The United States doesn’t negotiate with Terrorists.”
Sophie: “You’re not the United States!”
Me: “No, but I work for the state, and that’s close enough.”
Sophie: “I tell funny jokes.”
Me: “We, the United States, do not have a sense of humor that we are aware of. We cannot be bought by jokes… or cuteness. No candy for breakfast.”

February 17:
da da dadadada circus
da da dadadada afro
circus afro
circus afro
polka dot polka dot polka dot
afro!!!
~Sophie and I dancing around room like looney toons~

So Sophie has recently started fake burping and prolonging the burp. (she has a ton of boys in her class and her closest friends are boys… God help me). So she did that burp in my face this afternoon. Rather than getting mad, I channeled my inner Gru.
Me: “You are not to cry… or whine… or laugh… or giggle…orsneezeorburporfart. NO ANNOYING NOISES.” (horrible russian accent for effect)
Sophie: “I’m a minion, not a whiney kid.”
Me: ~staring at the kid for a moment~ “Okay, your logic is frightening good and I have just lost the argument with a 5 year old.”
As a side note, I think she’s seen that movie (Despicable Me) a few too many times that she knows what I’m quoting and the preface of the rest of the movie.

February 21:
Dan got home and got in his gym shorts, and then Sophie ran up to him and hugged him around one of his thighs.
Dan: ~cringe~ “Your hands are cold.”
Sophie: “I want to warm them on you.”
Dan: ~looks down at her, then at me, narrows his eyes. “Just like your mother.”

February 23:
Today is Sophie’s 4th Remission Anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I count this one over the “last chemo anniversary, since she was on chemo so long after remission). If it wasn’t so gross out, we’d hit the park, but instead we are going to Michaels to pick out ribbons for her hair, and hit the mall for Orange Juliuses, and then probably hit the red box for a cool kid movie. Tonight? Mac and Cheese, Hot Dogs, Twizzlers and cake, Why? Cause That’s Sophie’s fav.
4 years…. holy cow.

My kid is the coolest kid ever. Sophie asked for… or demanded, BACON WRAPPED HOTDOGS for her remission anniversary.

February 24:
Sophie is SUCH a Floridian!!! She saw the hail fall from the sky, and Dan brought some in to show her. And her response was PRICELESS!
Sophie: “OH NO!!! THE SNOW WILL DESTROY OUR HOUSE!!!” ~runs to her room~ Not sure we will be visiting Maine in the winter while she has this kind of reaction.

February 28:
Sophie = bad@$$ prima-donna.

March 1:
Come home to find Sophie AND Daniel watching an old batman cartoon. ~sigh~ my children.

March 2:
Sophie: “We have a party starting.” (referring to the party at school yesterday.)
Dan: “Is it starting right?”
Sophie: “Not Yet.”
Dan: “Is it starting quickly?”
Sophie: “No, not yet.”
Dan: “Then you aren’t getting this party started, are you?”
Sophie: “Uh… not yet.”
Me: ~eyeroll~ To Dan “You know you just aged yourself.”

Sophie gave her teacher the evil eye and her teacher told me she actually got the shivers.
I told the teacher that I thought that was awesome.
I got this as a response: O.O

March 3:
Dan (to Sophie and I): Where’d the pile of face-cloths go? (he was putting away laundry.)
Me: “I was hungry… extra fiber.”
Sophie: “Me too!! I was hungry. I ate like four of them.”
Me: (to Sophie) “That’ll clear ya out!”
Sophie: “I Know!!! I gotta go to the potty.” ~running to the bathroom~
I’m not sure if she got what I was saying, but the timing was impeccable.

While registering for Archer stuff today I learned a few things:
1. Dan wants to spoil his son in an annoying way (aka more stuff… ugh).
2. I learned a TON about what we do and don’t need for a baby the first time around; and
3. Spending time cleaning out my grandma’s house has made me not want anything around me that is not necessary and that I don’t actively use on a regular basis.
I think my catch phrase for the trip was “We don’t need it, won’t use it, and I will eventually give it away to get it out of my house.”
Dan ended up sulking. BUT the list is short and concise!! Only what we need to make him happy, healthy, and comfy. Oh, and a pair of skull and cross bones socks, so cute!!
As a side not, it is disturbing how few baby boy clothes are out there with goth/punk type patterns. I mean elephants and giraffes are cute, but nothing’s cuter than a baby boy with a mohawk in a skull and cross bones teeshirt.  Admit it.

March 5:
If Zola wants to go out or wants attention she gets her 100 lb doberman body in your face (face level) and just STARES INCESSANTLY. I swear, it’s so bad I can FEEL it. Doing it to me for the one million, nine hundred and seventy five thousand, eight hundred and forty sixth time THIS WEEK, I turned to Dan (on his computer… of course the dog doesn’t stare at him, even tho HE likes her and I do not right now).
Me: “Dan… your dog is staring at me like I give a flying flip.”
Dan: “Well do you giving a flying flip?”
Me: “Nope… no flying flip given. However, large beaned in head with remote dog about to be given to you.”
Dan: “Sounds like a personal problem.”
Next I will just bean the husband in the head with the remote.

Sophie splashing around in the bath, making a mess AND a ruckus.
Dan: “You’re a crack laden crackhead, kiddo.”
Me: “An ADORABLE crack laden crackhead. We don’t wanna hurt her self esteem”
Sophie: “Yup! I’m adorable crackhead daddy! Get it right!”
Me: ~beaming with pride~

March 7:
Dan pulls food out of toaster oven after reheating it, and immediately pops the food into his mouth.
Dan: “Ow, that’s hot.”
Me: “Your intelligence baffles me.”
Dan: “Hush, it’s hot.”
Me: “You can derive pi from a calculation the length of our car for fun, but can’t keep from scalding your mouth with food you pulled out of the toaster over seconds before. You are so Sheldon Cooper.”
Dan: ~silent agreement~ (I’m assuming. He was quiet. I take that as agreement)
.

Found this online.... take a look at the ultrasound of Archer...
Found this online…. take a look at the ultrasound of Archer…
Proof that I have just enough evil in our family to become the ruling family of the Sith Lords.
Proof that I have just enough evil in our family to become the ruling family of the Sith Lords.

March 10:
Road trip summary:
Gorgeous drive up 319. Georgia countryside is some of the most stunning in the world.
1-75 is under construction again. Why is it always under construction?
Sophie got car sick on 441 in GA. So we spent an hour in the parking lot of rite-aid stripping everything down… Except me unfortunately… I just got to wear it for the rest of the drive.
Benadryl made cranky-Sophie even crankier.
1-85 is under construction again. Why is 1-85 always under construction?. And why can no one in SC drive?
Saw a terrifying accident. You know those tiny posts with the wires between the separating the north and southbound traffic? Apparently it CAN stop a semi at 70mph. Thank god. No one hurt. Semi torn up bad.
After 14 hours, finally in the right city, staring at the right weather and surrounded by people who have a familiar accent.

Proof Sophie has been in Florida too long:
We drive past a mountain yesterday and she screamed (I almost drove off the road I was so surprised). I asked what her problem was and she pointed at the mountain and said the volcano was going to blow and she was scared. Then she pointed at the trees without any leaves and said they had been on fire cause they had no leaves…. ~sigh~

March 14:
One of my closest friends just told me I was “that dented can of corn at the 79 cent dent and save store.”
I think that’s the best description of me I’ve heard in my life.

March 15:
Still learning every day. I have a wealth of teachers that you wouldn’t expect. It made me think of all the things I learned and from whom.
My mom: Taught me how to be a lady (though honestly I should practice what she taught more!).
Daddy: Taught me to laugh at everything… everything… seriously. Everything. Cause taking anything in life, including yourself too seriously, is a sad, empty existence.
Daniel: Taught me what real true, romantic love feels like, and what it means to love myself (if not all of me, at least most of myself).
Sophie: Taught me to never ever ever give up, even when the odds are against us in a downpour hurricane with the winds blasting from all sides.
One of my coworkers today: Taught me to not forget where I have been, cause history repeats itself and I may be there again. Sometimes it’s a bad thing, but in this case, if history repeats itself it will only be a blessing.
I truly love the people I have in my life, my family, my friends, and my coworkers. I am blessed.

March 16:
Sophie has this strut that my grandma would have called the washing machine walk (watch the agitator some time and you’ll get it)… so she struts by the bedroom door where I’m sitting, and doesn’t even pause.
Sophie: “I have to make sure my teeth don’t smell bad.”
uhhhh… yeah…. O.O
That, ladies and gentlemen, was your random for the day. Thank you and goodnight.

March 17:
Dan (working on his old computer to sell it): “You ever notice that when you take something apart and put it back together, you always have extra pieces?”
Me: “Did you buy it at Ikea?”
Dan: 😦

Sophie: “I need to take a bath before I go to bed!”
Me: “Daddy, can you take her outside and hose her off?”
Sophie: “WHAT?  Did you say HOSE ME OFF?”
Dan: “Yup, mommy told me to take you outside and turn the hose on you.”
Sophie: O.O “But… there’s a bathtub in the bathroom…. I’ll go find it.”
Me: “The hose is faster.”
Sophie: (Now in the bathroom) “I found the tub!!! I can get it full. Honest! ~cough cough cough~
Me: “You okay?”
Sophie: “I almost puked, but I did not!” (Sounding down right chipper about it)
“Me: “Uh… good?”

March 18:
Why Dan and I are made for each other:
Dan: “I found a sheet of felt today.” (I was looking for some earlier).
Me (having not really heard him): “You shot some felt today?”
Dan: “Yeah… I shot it good. It ticked me off.”
~ten minutes later~
Me: “You have a rough day or something?” (being sarcastic about something completely unrelated)
Dan: “Rough enough to have to shoot me some felt.” (yankee boy trying to sound southern and failing miserably)
Me: “You’re beating a dead horse… seriously.”
Dan: “Better than shooting dead felt.”
Me ~shaking head~
~ten minutes later~
Dan: “Are the Caicos near Trinidad?”
Me: “Are there pickles in Trinidad? What?” (seriously didn’t hear him again… I swear the man mumbles)
Dan: ~looking at me like I’ve grown a second head~ “Yes… Are there pickles there… cause it makes me wanna shoot felt.”
Me: ~sigh~ “I’m going to bed, weirdo.”

March 19:
Heard in our house tonight:
Me: “We can one up the weird!”
Dan: “With names like Tuny in your family, yes… yes you can.”
Me: “Be good or you’ll be the proud daddy of Horace Wolfgang the Eighth… I’ll fill out that birth certificate when you go to the bathroom.”

March 22:
Within the last 8 days:
A friend tells me I’m like a dented can of corn sold for 79 cents at the dent-n-save.
My mom tells me that I’m the one holding the matches when the firetruck shows up and there’s no one left to blame.
A co-worker declares that I’m the type of person that wouldn’t girl fight, but more likely to grab someone by the head and slam their forehead into the corner of the desk.
My boss tells me that he feels the need to put me in a choke hold sometimes and rebuffs my declaration that it’s assault and therefore a felony while I’m pregnant… apparently a choke hold is only an assault on people who don’t deserve it.
I’m sensing a pattern. O.O

March 23:
Proof that Sophie is Dan’s child. We were driving home from daycare yesterday and she was telling me about how she listened to Ms. Janet and can she have a treat. I said after dinner…. we had a few seconds of silence, and then:
Sophie: “SQUIRREL!!!” pointing out the window.
Me: “I bred with Daniel. why am I surprised?” (to myself).

March 23:
It was real quiet for a second, and I got suspicious… went looking for Sophie and found her piling up the books she’s “going to read to her brother.”  All Harry Potter books. I’m proud. Not cause they are Harry Potter, though that is pretty cool, but because she’s 5, and just wants to swim in the books like her mommy. Bookworms Unite!!!

D'aaawwwwwww

One of Sophie’s cousins (Dan’s side of the family) put the Prince’s head in the dragon’s mouth. Proof that Sophie got the crazy slightly homicidal genes from both sides of the family. This.Is.Awesome.

homicidal dragon

March 25:
From the back seat of the car I hear conspicuous sniffing sounds. At a stoplight I turn around to find Sophie sniffing her armpits (not a joke.)
Sophie: “I stank like twizzlers!”
Yeah…. Can’t make this stuff up if I wanted to. And that’s going into the book.

March 27:
Phone call with a friend yesterday:
Her: “You’re too intense.”
Me: “I’m not intense. I’m interesting.”
Her: “You’re intense. You’re lucky you’re married. You’re so intense that most men would run screaming the other way. How did you get that one to marry you, anyways?”
Me: “He says he thought I was mysterious.”
Her: “Mysterious? Yup, you found the only guy who’d hit his head hard enough to confuse terrifying with mysterious.”
Me: “Meh… sometimes you have to aim high, and sometimes you have to find those recovering from severe brain injuries. I did both. Genius with a brain injury.”
Her: “Find one for me.”
Me: “You’re too intense.”

How we are screwing up our kid (example #713489759)
Me: (Archer just kicked something HARD) “Someone’s awake.” (imagine it sounding more tired and slightly annoyed)
Sophie: “Archer?”
Me: “Either him or it’s something horrible I ate.”
Sophie: “You ate him?”
Dan: “I ATE A BABY.” (bad fake scottish accent)
Sophie: (to Dan) “You what??”
Me: “You’re daddy ate the baby. Go whack him in the stomach.”
Sophie ~runs to Dan~ *SMACK* “I whacked him! It will make the baby come out of his tummy and back into yours.”
Me: “Oh joy… thank you ever so much for returning the baby to my tummy.” (delivered deadpan, like someone would say “and now every left sock is missing”)

March 29:
For the Easter party held yesterday, the kids were taught a song where they have to hold their fingers up as a cross and sing “This is the cross where Jesus died.” Then there are other hand symbols with other lyrics following that part. Sophie did her own version.
~holding her fingers up in a cross form~ “This is the Crossword Jesus tried.”
uhhhh…. yeah…. We helped her with it and she got it right, but then focused on the wrong part… the dying part rather than the rising part. Sometimes I swear the kid is a little too aware of mortality… We shouldn’t ever tell her about people dying. Ever.
But I still have an image of Jesus sitting at a table at Denny’s doing a crossword. I don’t know why Denny’s, but that’s what’s working for me.
Sophie is awesome.

March 30:
cool new trick with Sophie. If you compliment any of her paintings, etc… she will answer with “I am an Arteeeest!” (fake accent included).
Parenting win.

March 31:
Watching Harry Potter with Sophie this morning during the scene where they are learning to fight a Bogart and it turns into a huge snake, Sophie’s response is to yell at the screen: “DUCT TAPE!!! USE DUCT TAPE TO STOP THE SNAKE!!!”
Yup. My kid.

Another bad@$$ BB kid is on the way. Proof: Godsmack comes on the radio in the car, and Archer goes from 0 to bouncing TO THE BEAT.
Sophie loves Halestorm, Archer loves Godsmack. Parenting win.

Random of the day: Me: “I am not your salsa God…. I do not monitor your salsa intake.”
Dan: “Mmmmm… Salsa Goddess…”
Me: “You’re broken in ways duct tape can’t fix.”

You are all welcome.   Only did 2 months because my computer thought it couldn’t take it and was all wonky a couple of times.

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