Being sick at home sucks.  Just sayin’.  I get bored easy and I don’t want to watch TV cause daytime TV is horrible and Netflix doesn’t have anything I’m interested in watching, and while I do LOVE sleeping, when you’re sick and you feel all gross, sleeping is kinda gross cause you wake up all hot and ewwy, and showering doesn’t really help when you feel all gross again about 30 minutes later cause you’re sick and laying in bed and go back to sleep and wake up all hot and feeling all ewwy again.  Soooo, I’m sitting here with my computer in my lap, sucking down some tea with a throat lozenge tucked between my teeth and my cheek, and going through old facebook posts of Sophie.  Here is April and May of 2013:

April 5:
Me: (to Sophie) You’re painfully cute… you know that, right?”
Sophie: “Uh-huh” ~pause while I’m snickering at her complete lack of self esteem issues~ “And Archer’s going to be painfully cuter too.”
Me: ~melting~

April 6:
Dan: “You’re psychotic.”
Me: “I’m interesting.”
Dan: “Is that what you’re calling it now?”
Me: “Colorful?”
Dan: “Psychotic.”
Me: “High functioning sociopath.”
Dan: “I concede.”

April 8:
Dan: “Sophie, it’s 8:30! Bedtime!”
Sophie: “Ummm.”
Dan: “Wrong response.”
Sophie: “Oh look at that! I need to clean my bed off first, then clean my room.”
Suddenly I’m expecting my kid to start into National Lampoon…. “Gotta feed the hogs, still got those bills to pay….”

April 9:
Note: Glucose test water makes Archer try to come out thru the belly button…

During the ultrasound, the tech was checking gender and yup…. found it was a boy. At that exact second:
Sophie: “Archer has a big nose!!”
Me: “Uh… that’s not his nose, baby. That’s another part of his body.”
Dan: “An appendage. And yup… that’s my boy.”
Me: “You’re just saying that cause your daughter said it was big.”
Dan: ~goofy grin~

April 12:
Sophie (while watching justice league): “You’re Wonder Woman, mom. And That’s daddy! (pointing to The Green Hornet). “I’m Hawk Girl cause I’m an angel with wings, and my husband is The Flash.”
Me: “You married the Flash?” (of course she chooses the douchecanoe of the group to marry…  I gotta talk to this kid.)
Sophie: “Yup. And he watches Star Wars and runs fast and is super smart.”
Me: ~sigh~ “Baby, I know it’s normal for a girl to want to marry a man like your daddy, but you shouldn’t be wanting to marry Sheldon Cooper at 5. It’s just not normal.”
Sophie: ~giggle~ “I know. A freak like me… right?”
Me: “No more Halestorm for you.”
Sophie: ~giggle~ “But can I marry the Flash?”
Me: “Whatever you want…. but I have to threaten his life first, okay? And he can’t be in a fraternity.”
Sophie: “Okay. and I get to threaten him too.”
Me: “Deal… you have to threaten the man you are going to marry too. Gotta keep the men in line. Good girl.”
Sophie: ~beaming smile as she turns back to Justice League~

April 14:
Without the fuel of coffee, the sarcasm comes out as disdain. Hence the need for caffeine.

April 16:
Sophie (referencing the Boston Bombings): “When I grow up, I’m going to be a big superhero and I’m going to find those bad guys and BAM, POW!! (swinging her arms). Not nice people should be put under the jail and never let out.”
Me: “That’s right baby. Under the jail. And you will be a superhero… you can grow up and do everything you can to put the bad guys away. Just don’t become a lawyer, okay?”
Sophie: “Lawyers aren’t superheros, mommy!!! That’s just wrong!”
Me: ~beaming from ear to ear~ “True. So you going to be a superhero like daddy?”
Sophie: “He’s a nurse hero. I wanna be a big strong superhero and go BAM POW!!”
I have no idea what she’s planning on doing without super powers, but I am reassured that she wants to be a helper (as Mr. Rogers called them) and that law school is not on the list, so I’m a happy mommy.

April 20:

Conversation between Dan and Sophie this morning:
Sophie: “We have to take care of the corporations.”
Dan: “No we don’t. They can take care of themselves.”
Sophie: “No, daddy, we have to have corporations. We have to protect them. I’m a superhero and I decide.”
OMG.. This is totally NOT a joke… they had this conversation. Let the political war between Dan and his opinionated rambunctious daughter begin…. ~getting popcorn~

April 21:
Sophie talks about Hawkgirl (Marvel Comics) occasionally. Conversation we had the other day in the car:
Sophie: “What if we break our wings?”
Me: “If women break our wings?”
Sophie: “Yes.”
Me: “Brooms, Sophie. Brooms.”
Sophie: “That’s right. If our wings break, we can just ride our brooms.”
How to mix Marvel Comics with Harry Potter for the Parenting Win!!!

April 23:
Sophie (going back to her room) looked like she was shaking her little butt.
Me: “Are you shaking your butt at me??” ~teasingly~
Sophie: “Nope!” ~sweet little innocent voice, then starts to violently shake her butt at me with every step~
Dan: ~laugh like a hyena~ “Totally your daughter. Straight out of your playbook. Can’t deny that one!”
Me: “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” ~Walking away shaking mine at Dan.~

April 26:

Sophie: “I had horrible bad dreams yesterday.” (in her, not really, but I want attention so here’s how I’m going to get it tone of voice)
Me: “You going to be okay?” (cause I know she slept fine, I asked her this morning, she’s just looking for attention.)
Sophie: “Yeah… I’m walking it off.”
My.Kid.

April 28:
Sophie singing/laughing this same horrible melodious laugh over and over and over and over and…(growl) over…
Dan: “That’s not annoying… at all.”
Sophie: “Yes it is.” ~starts that horrible laughing/singing thing again.
Dan: (to me) “Your kid. Only two kids. No more.”
Me: ~chuckle~ “You were warned BEFORE you married me. Not my fault you ignore warnings.”

I listen to Dan putting Sophie to bed. This is when I start to listen:
Sophie (high pitched whine): “BUT I WANT THEM!!!”
Dan: “No. No swords in bed, No dice in bed, No handcuffs in bed.”
WTF? What have we done supplying her with toys like that??

May 1:
Me:”Eat your cereal, drink your milk! Eat, drink, be merry!” (to Sophie this morning)
Sophie:”I’m Sophia…. I can’t be Mary!”
Early morning banter in our house degrades to silly name jokes….

May 2:
Dan painted Archer’s crib today. When I came home, he flipped it over to get the dowels on the bottom. Sophie saw him turning it upside down and said “Is that where the baby goes in the cage?”
OMG… she thinks we are keeping the kid in a baby cage. Classic Dan’s child. The offspring of the man who thought we should get a large dog carrier rather than a car seat for the kid.

Found Voltron, Defenders of the Universe on Netflix and got all excited. I put it on for Sophie, and she got excited and said “YAY!!!! POWER RANGERS!!!”
~sigh~ I feel sorrow and shame for Sophie’s generation. Didn’t even know who Voltron is. Least I can do is ensure her proper education, one episode at a time. Then we’ll sing some Nirvana and Eagles together and all will be right with the world again.

May 3:
The other day, driving home from picking Sophie up, I had to slam on the brakes to keep from hitting someone in front of me and I had a proud momma moment. Apparently I don’t curse in the car at other drivers. Cause Sophie said this:
Sophie: “Seriously?” ~dramatic pause~ “Give me a break. Come on Shnookums, drive right!”
Hearing “shnookums” come from Sophie’s mouth is hilariously cute!!

Watching the hobbit tonight Sophie-isms.
“GO SMAUG!!! GET EM GET EM GET EM!!!” (yes, my child was cheering for the evil dragon. Of course. Who else would she cheer for?)
“There are too many dwarves in the kitchen! They should be given away like toys.”
Me:O_o

May 4:
When I have to explain to the geek I married that May 4th is International Star Wars day, and I have to walk him through it, we have a problem.
Dan: “What is today?”
Me: “May 4th, International Star Wars day.”
Dan: “I thought that was the 5th.”
Me: “No, May the fourth.”
Dan: “But why?”
Me: “May the fourth… ~slowing it down for him~ May…..the….fourth….”
Dan: “And?”
Me: “OMG. May the Fourth BE WITH YOU! International Star Wars Day.”
Dan: “Oh. Okay.”
Me: And I have to be the one to tell you this… you are about to lose your Sheldon status.”

Dan and I were listening to a game on NPR, and they were debating what element on the period table was Pt.
Dan: “Plutonium.”
Me: “Platinum.”
Dan: “It’s not platinum.”
Me: “I’m not sheldon cooper, but don’t screw with the girly geek who knows the elemental symbols of the jewelry that she wants. I fricking know that Sapphires are Al2O3… ass…”
Dan: “Plutonium.”
~pause for the NPR answer…. AND IT’S PLATINUM!!!~
Me: “And now you owe me a platinum sapphire ring.”
Dan.

May 6:
heard in the BB household #85732893479
Dan: “That’s you, the eloquence of a sledgehammer.”
Me: “It’s a rock hammer. Where is my rock hammer, anyways?”
Dan: “One of them is in the car.”
Me: “Every self respecting woman should have a rock hammer in the car… and next to the bed, and well… anywhere readily accessible.”
Dan:

May 9:
Doctor’s office called today. Archer is supposed to be at the hospital for eviction at 5:00 a.m on June 24th, if he doesn’t decide to come early (God PLEASE let him come early. I’m already miserable huge). So…. this is a test to see if he’s a morning person. He’s been warned that if he makes me wait until the 24th, I will wake him up at an unGodly hour to be spanked by a doctor. It’s a battle of wills now. You find it funny to keep me up til 3am kicking…. I find it JUST as funny to wake you up that early to join the rest of the world. It’s on like Donkey Kong, kiddo.

May 12:
Sophie went to the Butterfly exhibit in Gainesville on Friday. They stamped her hand with a butterfly and she was tickled. So guess what rubbed off inthe bath? So we went and got her butterfly temporary tattoos today, and they came with a few extras. Dan’s mother, Sophie, and I are all sporting a temporary glittery butterfly tattoo… (warning for my coworkers, this isn’t rubbing off overnight, I don’t think) Then Sophie insisted Dan not be left out, sooooo take a looky at Dan’s arm!!! My STUD of a hubby now has a purple heart temporary tattoo. Very proud. and honestly, that’s kinda hot. When a man does anything for his daughter, that’s HOT.

May 18:
Sophie had her ballet recital this morning and I learned two valuable things. 1) Sophie is earth shatteringly darling and brilliant and I love her so much it hurts. 2) I will never be a part of the Junior League (AKA Junyaleege)

May 19:
Sophie: “I’ve discovered that I’m a crime fighter cause my daughter turned into a race car.”
Me: “Okaaaaayyyy then….”

May 22:
On the way home from picking Sophie up today, she saw a car with some accident damage on it’s side.
Sophie: “Oh look!!! A werewolf hurt that car!! It’s a bad werewolf. I’ll have to get a…a… girl werewolf to take the bad boy werewolf down. All bad werewolfs [sic] are boys cause boys are bad. I’ll have to whack it and beat its little werewolf butt on the ground!”
Me: ~laugh/snorting~ “Yeah… uh.. beat its butt on the ground?”
Sophie: “down into the ground, like the bad werewolf it is.”
Me: “Sounds like a plan.

I took Sophie to go pick out a dress for her graduation after school today. I was thinking simple sundress, maybe something in a yellow or white. She picked out this miniature cream colored wedding dress… It was just so cure I couldn’t say no. I thought “OMG, she’s going to be so overdressed. Then she announced that she was going to wear her denim sketchers with the silver glitter and the pink and purple hearts with it. I got her the fancy dress… cause you can dress anything down with denim painted glitter sketchers. Coolest Kid Ever.

May 23:
Proof that we have damaged our kid with a kindle: Sophie now tries to turn the page of her books by swiping a finger from one side of the page to the other rather than turning the page. ~sigh~ ~shaking fist at technology~ DAMN YOU STEVE JOBS AND BILL GATES!!!

May 25:
Watching Mythbusters with Sophie, Kari Byron put a tarantula on the camera and Sophie’s response was CLASSIC Sophie:
Sophie: “Awwwww…. what a cute little spider!!! I Like furry spiders! ~climbs in front of me on the ottoman with those big hazel eyes~ May I please have one? I won’t touch him! You can feed him for me!!! We can just pet him on his back and he can make his web… and he can jump and jump and jump!”
Me: “This is so appealing… truly… it’s a hard thing for me to say no to. However, No. Okay, not as hard as I thought to say no to that.”

Dan and Sophie messing around… Sophie takes Dan’s hand and starts to hit him with his own hand.
Sophie: “Why are you hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself!!” ~whack whack whack~
Little square apple didn’t even roll when she fell from our tree.

Me to Dan ~looking at my stomach~ : It looks like Archer’s moved up… and it feels like he’s higher. I can’t eat CRAP, I can’t breathe well… ~growl~
Dan: “He’s supposed to grow a lot this month.”
Me: “Well, he’s growing.” ~grumble~ “He’s probably going to be bigger than Sophie.”
Dan: “Probably. He’s supposed to go from a chicken to a turkey this month.”
Me: ~alarmed~ “I will NOT birth a turkey! some of those things are 20 pounds!”
Dan: “Gobble gobble.”
Me: “You may run faster than me right now, but that’s just temporary. Remember that.”
Dan: “Gobble” ~dodging couch pillow~

May 26:
proof I married Sheldon (and this is one of those days where I get irritated with the Sheldon part) I want IHOP for breakfast. Yes, It’s not a fancy place, it’s nummy food and reminds me of when we were in college. We used to live off of Maui Teriyaki, for pete’s sake, it’s not like we NEED gourmet food. But when I say IHOP, Dan gets online to see how they are “Rated” online… AS IF IT MATTERS?!?!? IT’S IHOP!! It’s not a five star place!!! Don’t get between the preggo and her french toast. ~grrrrrrrrrrrrrr~

Sophie: “When I grow up, I’m going to marry my daddy. you gotta find another husband, cause he’s mine.”
Me: “We’ll see about that, kiddo.”
Sophie: “You’ll have to wait for someone else’s wife to die, then you can have another husband.”
Me: “We gotta get you off this morbidity thing.”
Sophie: “He’s my daddy, so he’s mine.” ~walks off~
Hmmm… if I had an inclination to fight for Sheldon, I might have put some effort into it, but I’m sans motivation when he tried to talk me out of french toast this morning cause of the “rating” of an IHOP restaurant. ~sigh~ She can have him for now.

Post-party… her hair kinda fell down. And yes, those are LED light up sketcher high tops with an ivory lace silk dress. Cause it works. hush.

May 29:

Discussion I had with Sophie after I handed her dinner on a plate tonight:
Sophie: “And after dinner we’re going for ice cream!” ~big grin~
Me: “Nope, after dinner you’re getting a bath.”
Sophie: “Nope… ice cream.”
Me: “Nope… bath.” (totally deadpan, walking away with my dinner plate towards the table now.”
Sophie: “But whyyyyyyyyy.”
Me: “Cause you’re the kid and I said so.”
Sophie: “But I wanna say so!”
Me: “Then grow up, have your own kids, and you can push them around. Until then, I push you around.”
Sophie: “I’m going to have a lot of kids to push around.” ~stomping her foot~
Me: “Totally your choice when you grow up. Sit and eat… then bath.”
Sophie: ~sitting… eating… grumbling about having lots of kids to push around.
I love parenting. I’m totally screwing it up, but I’m having a blast doing it.

May 31:
Me (to Sophie after she told me no for something): I will shake you upside down for spare change and duct tape you to the wall.”
Sophie (not looking up from her kindle): “Sounds like fun.” ~deadpan delivery~
Me: “I guess I deserved that.” ~equally as deadpan, now standing in front of her, hands on my hips… almost tapping my foot.~
Sophie (still not looking up): “Yup.” ~equally deadpan.”
Me: “Bedtime. Now.” (said a little softer… in that “I’m getting quieter, so you really should be scared now, kid.” voice that all mother’s have)
Sophie (looking up, eyes wide) “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWw”
Me: “So now you’re reacting? Good. Bedtime.”
Sophie: “But mmooooooooooommmmmmmmm.”
Me: ~wicked laugh~ “It’s good to be mom.” ~start to hum “It’s good to be king” by Tom Petty, following her down the hall as she stomps to the bathroom to change.~
I’m really questioning God’s choice in making me a mother, soon to be twice over. I probably shouldn’t have been given a goldfish to watch over, much less mold into a normal human.

We can hear Sophie singing “Lime and a coconut” from her bedroom (she’s tucked into her loft bed already). Parenting done right.

You are all welcome.  And look at that, on TIME this week!   Tune in this time next week for more fun in the BB household, circa 2013.  Until then, eat your whole grains, drink more water, and don’t forget to tip your waitresses.